


i had it once, now it's gone

by neverlxnd



Series: kpop drabbles [6]
Category: EXO, EXO (Band)
Genre: A bit sad, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Cute, Fluff, LITERALLY, M/M, Wow, also, another chanyeol one, anyway, but her screentime is shorter than suho's in here, but not as short as lay in exo mv's, enjoy, for like a split second, he's there and then he isn't, i swear im not making all of these chanyeol, jajaja, lots of awkward talk from Chanyeol, lots of coffee, sm can suck ass, smh, suho is in here, theres a girl, they just happen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 06:14:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11800113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neverlxnd/pseuds/neverlxnd
Summary: awake - btsI'm just walking and walking among this darkness.orChanyeol has been feeling like he's in third person for years. A certain small boy brings his focus in.





	i had it once, now it's gone

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from a poem by Amar Qamar

Sometimes he wondered if were to just float away one day. If gravity had somehow forgotten about him and he flew all the way to space where he couldn't breathe. He thought, maybe I can never fly. Always holding himself back, scared to fail, and scared to do something remotely different. It was like he wasn't in his body. He felt as though his soul was floating outside his body and was watching the journey of a life play out in front of him.

It's not like he wanted to die, he liked living. It's just - he would enjoy it more if he could feel it. It's been like that since he was 15. He's always felt like he was just going along with everything. His parents thought nothing of it except maybe he was depressed. It wasn't that either, he thought. Or maybe it was, he doesn't exactly know.

He sat in the corner of the quaint cafe he seemed to find himself at everyday, tucked away from everything and everyone else. He wasn't incapable of feeling or showing any kind of emotion, he just sometimes asked himself why it mattered. Why would any of his emotions matter when he wasn't even sure what the purpose of his life was. Countless times has he had this same thought running through his mind. He wanted to fly away and soar until he could find what was missing. But it's as if he snipped off his own wings and he doesn't know why. It's like he wasn't awake half of the time, but he was.

"Hi, I just- sorry to bother you but we're closing soon."

He lifted his head to see the petite boy with round glasses, slowly retreating.

"Oh."

The boy had light brown skin, accenting dark brown hair. His iris' behind the round glasses were a shadowed brown, while his nose was small and slim. It wasn't until he got to his lips where he realized he was staring.

"Oh, right. Sorry, let me just-"

"You know, you're not obnoxiously loud, so if you want, you can just stay. Until I finish cleaning, I mean," he smiled.

And he swears he feels himself one step closer to his body. As if his smile were a button he pressed to reel himself back in, because his lips formed a fucking heart for pete's sake. He couldn't do anything except nod, and with that, he left him in silence and continued to clean and pack up the cafe. A thought popped in his head. And for once, it wasn't about the weightless feeling he felt in his chest, it was about the boy. He was small. And cute. And he'd never seen him before, yet he's been here everyday for the past 6 months. Surprisingly, for the next 20 minutes of him cleaning, all of his thoughts were on the boy and not on whether or not he could do anything with his life.

Eventually he came back without the apron and a key of rings in his hand.

"Ready?"

He gave him a small nod before standing up and taking his school bag over his shoulder. And he's scared of how it'll sound but it comes out without him overthinking it.

"How come I haven't seen you before?" He blurts.

He can see in the way his shoulders rise a bit, that he was surprised to hear his voice after being quiet for so long.

"It speaks."

"I spoke to you earlier," he corrected.

"You said, 'oh' and 'um'. I don't think that's classified as speaking," he mumbled.

"Well, you didn't answer my question," he reminded.

He found himself leaning against the cold bricks of the cafe outside, waiting for his answer. It's the first time in a long time he's anticipated something.

"I work here. How come I've never seen you?" He jingled the key ring, struggling to find the right one.

Why was there so many keys for a small cafe with one door? Chanyeol thought.

"I've been coming here for about half a year now and I've never seen you, not once."

"Oh."

Chanyeol stared at the side of the cafe boy's face. His side profile was amazing, prominent jawline, lips so plump they're the first thing you see from the side.

"Well, I just started working here about two months ago, but they've had me cleaning the back this whole time. Something about paying my dues," the boy rolled his eyes, finally settling on one key.

He pushed the key in the lock and twisted it, locking the cafe.

"That explains that," Chanyeol shrugged.

"You wanna tell me why you've been coming here for half a year by yourself? I mean I'm all for privacy and alone time but you don't seem like the type," the boy said, walking towards what looked like his car.

Chanyeol's heart started racing and he could already feel a headache coming on. He always hated getting asked questions like that, because he never knew what to say. Not when he didn't know himself. But with this boy, he didn't seem to mind.

"I don't know. I just- it's nice."

The boy nodded, agreeing. He took out the key ring from before and went straight for a specific key this time.

"So do I get to know your name?" Chanyeol asked, wrapping his arms around himself.

"Depends," the boy opened his car door, "are you coming back tomorrow?"

The boy looked at Chanyeol with such intent. Of what exactly? He had no idea, but he honestly didn't mind it at all.

"Um, yeah."

"Then I'll see you tomorrow."

And with that, the boy got into his car and drove away. Chanyeol stood in the parking lot of the cafe for ten minutes, trying to process what just happened. Not only did he not offer him a ride home, but his usual feeling of not being there, not being awake, was slowly fading.

That next day Chanyeol stayed in his room all day, only coming out to get something to snack on. He was worried his stomach would be too full on drinks and food to drink his regular coffee from the cafe. Then he wouldn't have an excuse to go to the cafe to see the boy.

So that was how the rest of his day went, until the clock hit 6 o'clock, his usual time going to the cafe. He put on his shoes and grabbed a light coat before rushing out the door. When he arrived a couple blocks later, he slowly approached the cafe, trying not to get his hopes up in case the boy wasn't working today. But he did tell Chanyeol he'll see him tomorrow. And tomorrow was today. He saw the petite boy through the glass window, giving him heart shaped smile to the lingering customers at the tables. Chanyeol felt his heart flutter a bit at that. He walked into the cafe, ringing the bell on top of the door. He expected the boy to look up at him, or at least in the direction of the door, but instead he stayed behind the counter; looking aimlessly down at something.

Chanyeol felt himself floating and it wasn't his usual floating feeling. It was a nice kind of floating.

"Hi."

"Hi, what can I get you?" The boy said, his head still hanging low.

That was until he dismissed whatever he was looking down at and lifted his head to meet Chanyeol's eyes. He was half expecting him to give him a big smile and a 'hey!'.

"What can I get you?" He repeated.

Chanyeol gave the boy a confused look. Did he really not remember him? Chanyeol being Chanyeol, he dismissed it and acted as thought last night's encounter didn't happen.

"Just a decaf cappuccino."

The boy tilted his head, before nodded and tapping on the register. Chanyeol gave him the money and went to sit down while the boy made the drink. He couldn't ignore the feeling of his previous mood slowly coming back. That was until he went to sit down at his regular table, where after a few minutes, the boy joined him, bringing Chanyeol's drink with him. He sat across from him, hands folded on the table and eyes filled with excitement.

"I was really hoping you'd ask for my name at least," the boy said.

Chanyeol raised an eyebrow, "excuse me?"

"Come on, don't play the pretend game on me. Only I get to do that," he joked.

The corner of Chanyeol's mouth went up, giving the boy a lighthearted half smile.

"So you do remember me?"

The boy laughed, his eyes crinkling. "Yes, I do. I mean, I wasn't sure at first because you look a bit different in the light but it's definitely you."

"Are you sure? What if I just like talking to you and I'm pretending to be said guy?" Chanyeol tried.

The boy let out another laugh, making Chanyeol melt.

"My name is-"

"Chanyeol?" A voice interrupted.

Chanyeol looked away from the boy, even though it hurt a bit to look away, to see who had called his name. He looked at the girl standing in front of him.

"Yeah?" He mumbled.

"It's me, Ginger."

Chanyeol shrugged, looking at the boy across from him, as if he would know the answer.

"We dated for like three months," she mumbled in embarrassment.

Chanyeol's cheeks tinted a shade of pink, "I'm sorry?"

This only caused the girl to giggle and roll her eyes. The boy began to stand up and Chanyeol silently begged him with his eyes.

"I should probably get back to work," the boy said, nonchalant.

Before he could stop the boy from leaving or even get a word out, he was gone, disappeared into the back of the cafe. The girl invited herself to sit in the spot the boy previously had been. Chanyeol thought about the expression the boy wore when the girl showed up. He was honestly a bit confused at every aspect of the situation. In fact, he was so entranced in his thoughts about confusion he hadn't realized that the girl was talking since she sat down.

"Anyway, we should do this again. You still have my number, right?" She asked, standing up.

Chanyeol only nodded, not sure if she was actually still in his phone. What was her name again?

"Alright, text me whenever."

And then she was gone, almost as quick and silent as she appeared. Chanyeol went back into his thoughts. Who was she? He dated her for three months? Chanyeol ran the idea and her face through his memory. He finally remembered the name Ginger. There was a period where Chanyeol was desperate to feel something. He wanted to test the waters of what he was actually going through. So he met Ginger and quickly began dating her. It seemed as if nothing had changed with the way he felt and the way he thought, only with a girlfriend. He pondered over how he managed to keep a relationship going for three months when he could barely figure out a boy's name.

Wait. The boy.

He looked around the cafe, hoping to see him still working. It's only been ten minutes since the girl showed up so he couldn't have left. Unless his shift ended. But that wouldn't make sense since he was the one who locked up the cafe at the end of the night.

Finally after what seemed like forever, he spotted the dark brown hair and round glasses across the cafe. He was serving an elderly couple. Chanyeol stared at him across from the cafe, trying not to come off as creepy. But then the boy turned around and somehow immediately made eye contact with him. Blushing, Chanyeol looked away quickly and stared down at his coffee. Throughout the rest of the night, Chanyeol stayed like that. Staring down at his coffee cup, even when it became empty.

"Can I take that? Or are you going to keep staring at it?" The boy's voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Oh. Yeah, no, here." He handed the boy the cup and opened his mouth to say something.

"Thank you," he said, and did a quick turn back behind the counter.

Chanyeol slumped in the seat and leaned his cheek in his palm.

How hard was it to get a boy's name?

He began to feel his eyes getting heavy, his face occasionally slipping out of his palm, waking him up. It wasn't until the boy came over where he sat up straight and widened his eyes, as if he wasn't just about to sleep right there on the table.

"I gotta close up now. You can stay," he paused, "if you want."

Chanyeol nodded and he felt like that was all he ever did so, "thank you," he smiled.

The boy did nothing except turn and head back behind the counter. Curse that counter. Like the other night, the boy spent about 20 minutes cleaning and packing up. When Chanyeol heard the key ring jingling, he took that as his cue to get up and out the door. The boy followed Chanyeol out, stopping the lock the door. He was about to walk straight to his car when Chanyeol spoke up.

"Um, thanks?"

The boy turned around, confusion written on his face.

"For what?"

Chanyeol shrugged, "bringing me down."

The confusion stayed on the boy's face, to which earned a chuckle from Chanyeol.

"It's a long story. One I hope I'll get to tell you tomorrow," he said, brave.

The boy only nodded, giving him a small wave and leaving to his car. When the car disappeared into the night, Chanyeol started his walk back to his apartment and thought about the boy for the hundredth time that day. As soon as he got home, he flopped himself on the couch, expecting to fall asleep almost immediately with how tired he was. But sleep didn't come. He closed his eyes, forcing himself to sleep, but all he saw was the boy. Frustrated, he opened his eyes and sat up, drumming his fingers against the couch. He thought about the boy's fingers, drumming against the table in the cafe earlier. He wonders if the feeling of the soul floating would go away if the boy held his hand. And then suddenly, he had the urge to go up to his music room.

He entered the room and immediately felt a wave of dust, seeming as he hadn't touched any of these instruments in months. He made a beeline for the piano sitting in the corner and sat down. He delicately placed his long fingers along the keys, pressing a couple to get the feel again. And then his mind was wondering to the boy again, his heart shaped lips, his round eyes hiding behind the glasses. He wondered how perfect his fingers would look with his, and then suddenly he was playing. The sweet notes played out and Chanyeol was beginning to feel that empty space slowly being filled.

The next day was much like the day before. Chanyeol laying around all day until the clock hit 6 o'clock, and then he was up on his feet and out the door. When he arrived at the cafe, he immediately saw the boy and made a beeline. He felt a lot more determined than he had felt in months.

"Your name," he stated.

The boy cocked an eyebrow at him, "um?"

"Your name," he repeated.

The boy apologized to the customer Chanyeol hadn't noticed, silently apologizing to them. The boy led them to Chanyeol's table and they both sat down.

"My name is-"

"Kyungsoo!"

Chanyeol turned towards the voice and saw a boy who seemed to be as small as the boy, just a little bit taller. Just a little.

"Oh, hey," the boy replied.

Chanyeol exchanged glances between the two, hoping it was enough for the boy to figure out what he wanted. He seemed to get the idea because the boy cleared his throat.

"Suho, this is Chan.. Chan," he looked at Chanyeol, stopping at Chan.

"Chanyeol."

"Chanyeol. Chanyeol, this is Suho. My roommate," the boy said.

He gave the man a small smile. He did a once over of the man standing in front of him. The man had his light brown hair parted and slicked back, exposing his forehead. Which, in a non weird way, was a very handsome forehead. How does someone have a handsome forehead? And was this man drinking his water from the fountain of youth, he seemed to have skin as clear as a newborn baby.

"I just wanted to remind you about the small party tonight," Suho said.

"It's a small  _gathering_ , Suho. Not a party," the boy corrected.

Suho held his hands up in defense.

"So I better not come home to music blaring and people drunk off their asses."

Chanyeol chuckled lowly, earning a one second glare from the boy.

"Whatever, anyways, just wanted to let you know," he paused, "are you coming?" He directed his attention to Chanyeol.

Chanyeol rose his eyebrows. A party? That wasn't really his scene, not since he was 16 and in high school. Even then he felt out of place. He turned to the boy.

"Are you going to be there?"

"I kind of have no choice, that's my home," the boy chuckled.

Chanyeol blushed before turning his attention back to Suho, "sure."

Suho nodded and left, leaving the boy and Chanyeol alone once again.

"So you know my name now?" Chanyeol mumbled.

The boy held back a smile, "I do."

"So do I get to know yours?"

The boy tapped his chin, thoughtfully. "Depends."

Chanyeol groaned loudly, earning raised eyebrows from the other lingering customers.

"Can't you just tell me, it's been three days!" He exclaimed.

Even Chanyeol himself was surprised at his loud and up-itty tone. The boy let out a laugh.

"Alright. Even though I'm sure you just heard it a couple minutes ago, my name is Kyungsoo."

It sounded like music to his ears, finally putting a name to the beautiful boy's face.

"Kyungsoo," Chanyeol repeated.

The boy, Kyungsoo, gave him a shy smile and stood up.

"I should get back to work."

Chanyeol nodded and drank his drink he hadn't noticed was there. When did he order that? He shrugged and hummed happily, sipping on his coffee. The rest of the night was like usual, Chanyeol waiting for Kyungsoo to finish and clean up. When they finally got outside, they hit a brick wall. Now that Chanyeol knew his name, they kind of had nothing else to talk about. Or so he thought.

"So, the party?" Kyungsoo suggested.

Chanyeol scratched the back of his neck, "I know I said I'd go but I'm not really a social butterfly."

He tried to ignore the way Kyungsoo's shoulders slumped a bit.

"That's okay. I'll just yell at Suho and wait till everyone blacks out to sleep."

Chanyeol chuckled and then he had an idea. It was a stretch, since they had just met three days ago, but he was willing to try.

"Would you want to come to my place? I think I have food and I have a bed for you to sleep in."

Kyungsoo gave him a smile and nodded, "sure."

He went to pull out his keys for his car when Chanyeol stopped him.

"My place is actually just the block over if you just want to walk?" He suggested.

Kyungsoo nodded and walked alongside Chanyeol. It was unusual yet comforting to have somebody walk with him back to his place instead of him walking alone every night. When they arrived, Chanyeol suddenly became nervous. Was his place even clean? He hasn't exactly been in the right state of mind to ever look around his place for a mess, or actually clean up anything.

"Just a heads up, I don't actually know if it's clean or dirty," Chanyeol warned.

Kyungsoo laughed and shook his head, "it's fine."

Chanyeol was still uneasy but he unlocked the door anyway, letting the cold air of his lonely apartment hit them. Kyungsoo let himself in and looked around the place. Staring at the blank walls, staring at the furniture. It got to the point where he was starting to feel self-conscious. Why? He doesn't exactly know why.

"Um, you can sleep in my room if you're tired. There's probably spare clothes in their too, if you want to change."

"Are you an only child?" Kyungsoo asked, ignoring what he just said.

Chanyeol slowly stepped closer to him, "yeah. My parents still live in Korea though, so I haven't exactly spoken to them in awhile."

"Don't you miss them?" Kyungsoo peered at him.

And if he hadn't met this boy just days ago, he would've grabbed his by the cheeks and pinched them, with how cute he looked. Curiosity on his face.

"I mean sometimes, I don't know. I don't really feel," he shook his head, "that sounds stupid-"

"No it doesn't. Just - what do you mean? Keep talking."

Chanyeol didn't realize but a smile slowly creeped onto his face. This boy was breaking so many walls of his, so many walls he didn't know were there.

"I don't know. I just - I feel like I'm just being sometimes. You know? Like I'm just here. It's like I'm staring down at myself and seeing everything fold out in front of me, but not through my eyes. Like I'm floating outside of my body," he paused, "oh my god, you think I'm weird now, don't you?"

Kyungsoo quickly spoke up, "not at all. I understand."

Chanyeol smiled and they stayed like that for awhile. Enjoying the silence and each other's presence. Until he had an idea.

"Can I show you something?" Chanyeol asked.

"Of course."

Chanyeol grabbed Kyungsoo's hand, hesitantly, and led him up the stairs and into the music room. He wasn't exactly sure what he was going to show him, but he wanted to let him know just how he felt. He walked straight for the piano and sat down, pulling Kyungsoo with him.

"That's a lot of instruments," Kyungsoo mumbled.

Chanyeol nodded, "gifts."

"I'm sure they are gifts, but how did you afford them all?" Kyungsoo asked.

Chanyeol looked down at him and let out an honest laugh, causing Kyungsoo to laugh too.

"No, I mean, I got them as gifts."

Kyungsoo's mouth formed an 'o' shape before he began to blush.

"Anyway, it's been a couple months since I played and the other night I was kind of inspired."

"By what?"

"Don't be weirded out, but I was inspired by you. I was bored and I couldn't stop drumming my fingers. Something you had been doing the whole time at the cafe. Actually something I noticed you do all the time at the cafe."

Kyungsoo smiled and rolled his eyes, "so my fingers motivated you to play?"

"You could say that."

Chanyeol started idly playing notes and Kyungsoo watched his fingers dance across the keyboard. He kept moving up the scale until he hit the highest, his arm across Kyungsoo's chest and shoulder shoulder leaning against his. He turned his head to look at Kyungsoo. He felt himself take a breath at how breathtaking this boy was. From his tan skin, to his small hands. He felt himself come back into himself with the way Kyungsoo was looking at him. With a swift motion forward, Chanyeol's lips were pressed against the smaller boy's lips. He momentarily forgot how to kiss, since it's been awhile actually feeling like he was on Earth for once. But just as he was about to deepen the kiss, Kyungsoo jumped back, worrying Chanyeol.

"Oh! I'm sorry, are you not?"

"You are?" Kyungsoo exclaimed.

"What? Gay?" Chanyeol asked.

Kyungsoo nodded. Chanyeol following and nodding too.

"What made you think I wasn't?"

"Well, your ex. She was a girl. That's why I tried avoiding you. I thought you were straight," Kyungsoo explained.

Chanyeol burst out laughing, holding onto his stomach. And it felt so good to laugh again. It felt good to actually feel himself.

"I'm sorry, I guess I should've been more clear," he smiled.

Kyungsoo laughed at his response and returned to his previous spot. When things got quiet again, Chanyeol took this as an opportunity to try again. So he slowly leaned down to Kyungsoo's lips, inching his way closer. He heard the change in Kyungsoo's breathing, as well as felt his own pattern change. He finally pressed his lips against Kyungsoo's and immediately felt himself smile, causing the smaller boy to smile too. He deepened the kiss, placing his hand on Kyungsoo's cheek, soon feeling his small warm hand covering his. He pulled away and kept his eyes closed as he retaliated. He wanted to cherish everything about that kiss. From the smell of Kyungsoo and the cafe, to the feeling of his plump lips against his own. He was scared to open his eyes and realize this wasn't real. But when he opened his eyes, Kyungsoo was staring back at him with a sweet smile. He couldn't help but break out into a big smile because he was actually seeing this. He was experiencing it. For once, he didn't feel like he was hanging outside of his body, watching it as if it was third person view. It was through his eyes and could feel his body warming.

"I'm glad I didn't get your name that first day," Chanyeol blurted.

Kyungsoo burst out laughing, Chanyeol soon joining him.

"Are you awake, Chanyeol?" Kyungsoo asked, turning serious.

Chanyeol leaned down to press his lips against the plump ones once again, "very much awake."

These past years have been a peaceful hell for Chanyeol. He wasn't sure if he was ever going to find a purpose in life, he wasn't sure if his purpose was to be beside Kyungsoo, but he was damn sure he was prepared to do just that. For once, he felt like he was flying. He felt himself slowly growing his wings back. And he thought

Maybe I can fly.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trash, k bye.
> 
> Funfact, I originally made this for Taekook. Mostly because they're bts and the song awake is under bts' title, but because I lowkey love them. But clearly ChanSoo took over my brain. I blame the recent exo fansigns and instagram posts I've been binge watching.


End file.
